A Year To Myself

February last year, I became single after endingย an 11-month long relationship, which was beautiful enough to last for a time but not forever. And funnily as if there wasn’t any better time, on that perfect lovely day when exclusively (or not) dating young men and ladies, boyfriends and girlfriends, engaged and married couples, and all other kinds of lovers were celebrating their love – February 14, 2013 – I declared to all my systems from my split ends to the callouses on my toes that at least for one year, I will have no other lover than myself. That was a deal.

And I made it to a year all to myself.

During little gatherings with friends or side chats with officemates, a usual question would make its way to the conversation, “Don’t you miss dating someone?” Damn it, of course I do. I miss that feeling, you know what I’m talking about.

But theย question, though tempting and strongly suggestive, also appeared to challenge me as to how far I can go with the deal. And I’m glad I managed to keep myself at pace.

Through this period, albeit relatively short, I believe I’ve come to understand a lot about loving myself and the lessons keep coming.

1. Love yourself and love it more each and every day. Because it is wise to realize that if in case no one else will be there to love you, you have your very own self who will never leave you come what may.

2. Those who leave are not meant to stay. So please don’t allot an eternity to mourn over a breakup. You don’t have forever to fool around a drama not worth crying for. Always be ready to get your shit together and love again, with a little bit more caution than before.

3. If you love yourself, you become a sturdy foundation of a lasting relationship. Otherwise, your lack of confidence, trust, and respect for yourself might even cause your partner to question him/herself how s/he did even come to like you.

I know it sounds like I recommend staying single. Well, up to you. We all have our own preferences in life. Go figure it out.ย ๐Ÿ˜‰

Love,
Ayna

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A Year To Myself

The Song of the Last Tear

Stay there, play the guitar

I’ll sit here, listening from afar

Tickle the strings while I fix my wings

Play your music, the curse to our broken rings.

Sit there, play the piano

I’ll hear it and I’ll tell you, “Bravo”

My heart will bleed, blood coming out clear

Look away, I’ll now embrace to death my fear.

But if you see it, please don’t ask

Believe you only see a very sad mask

My pain is not yours anymore

Worry not, I’ll find a cure to what you tore.

Tomorrow, I will wake up and smile

At the love we shared for long but seemed just a while

Tomorrow, I’ll seek answers, please don’t care

Else you’ll see the pain in me, just beware.

And I’m telling you it’s not for you to see

This pain, this nightmare haunting me

So strum the guitar, play the piano

Close your eyes, my dear musico.

Play the music that broke my heart

Close those eyes I used to see as art

Take our memories with you or leave them somewhere

And now, I’ll close my eyes to free this last tear.

The Song of the Last Tear

Love is strange. The man I was happiest with was…”stranger”.

Now all I can do is smile in disbelief; a smirk onto a feeling I’ve got to figure what exactly.

Good Lord, how on earth can love be so nonsense? And in that sense, it’s just got interesting.

Need no beer, need no smoke, it’s all clear; I got myself into loving a stranger for a damn good year. “Somebody that I used to know” – a song whose singer I can’t recall and I’d rather type what I’m saying now than “google” it – is in my playlist. People, I feel for these lines:

“But you didn’t have to cut me off

Make it like it never happened, and that we were nothing…

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.”

And only to realize and ask, “Was he really somebody that I used to know?” It’s striking, annoying, maddening, frustrating, and pretty interesting.

An exaggerated comparison but please let me, for the sake of honesty and liberty.ย One year felt like a one-night stand with a stranger. It was there, it was good, and then it’s gone, so what now?

Nothing, just nothing. After all, the end simply justified the mean. We started as strangers at a table with cups of coffee and tea. Love isn’t so strange then. Now, we’re back to being strangers, like we’ve always been.

Love is strange. The man I was happiest with was…”stranger”.

We. Love. Art.

M, my boyfriend, isn’t the type who’d be genuinely amazed or stunned with things arty. A musician by heart, a little too conscious with his outfit (always making sure that at least he doesn’t look like a couch potato who’s gone out straight from bed), very good at color coordination, but not someone who can draw something nicely. HaHaHa, sorry Honey! ๐Ÿ˜€

But he surely has hands for origami, his chosen form of art. And I love that fact! So, here’s a picture of what he made (top) as a suitor’s Valentines present for his girl. ๐Ÿ˜‰ A basket of paper lilies, and if my judgment serves me right, the white ones are moonflowers.

I’m not sure if he knew what lilies symbolize, but as additional knowledge at least for those who want some, lilies can mean unions, partnerships, and long lasting relationships. In the movie Imagine Me and You, giving lilies meant, “I dare you to love me.”

And then, for our first month celebration, I painted his Valentines present (bottom). Of course, we know well how the dare went on. And it wouldn’t be just for once ’cause I’m accepting the challenge every day and will always be on for it! I’m love-struck and love-crazed. ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

We. Love. Art.

Love Letter: For You To Find

I must be often a little too privy to this love I have, but now. Because I’m listening to this old love song (titled After All), and it tickles my lips to a sweet content smile while tears are rushing [honestly] to the brink, HaHaHa. ๐Ÿ˜€

To M,

I’m not gonna let you hear this, not now. Let’s just hope you’ll find these words when they’re most beautiful.

I’ve been smiling a lot, y’ [don’t] know, despite “the facts”, despite myself, despite everything that has gone wrong in my life. I’m betting you don’t completely understand how that has to do so much with you, but I really wish I could thank you enough. Crazy, but almost everything around me pushes my thoughts to you; brings me to smile in a way only the thought of you could shape. Sounds “high-schoolish”, doesn’t it? HaHaHa. I think so, too, but alongside realizing that I couldn’t help thanking God for entrusting (I don’t wanna say this, but here it goes…LOL) “my heart” to (and I wouldn’t say “a man like you” because the next word is definite)…you.

You said you don’t want me sad. I believe I’ve been obedient; I’ve always caught myself smiling carelessly even when I wash the dishes, do my laundry, read my novel, or when I write…like now. ๐Ÿ™‚ Even when I’m in the toilet [just honestly]. My life, as of now, is definitely not at its prettiest, but you’ve come to be its irony.

I couldn’t find the most beautiful words to tell you how much I thank you. (Did I just say something cliche? HaHaHa) So, let me say it in a way no words are necessary. It’s not gonna be hard to understand. You’ll catch it when you find yourself smiling back at me.

All my love, M

And so, I said it. HaHaHa ๐Ÿ˜€

Love Letter: For You To Find

It’s Harumika Playtime!

Visiting M’s mom’s place is like going to art school! That means I spend most of the time with my little playmate, one of M’s two little sisters. We draw greeting cards, color them, make bead bracelets and bead bottles, and design popsicle sticks.

My little playmate also has this big box of cloth scraps, which her granny brought for her. And shuffled among the scraps are three harumika mannequins, which she plays with her mom and her older sister. They usually play the harumika time as a contest; mom never wins and we know why. ๐Ÿ˜€

One time, my little playmate stayed upstairs playing with her sister. M, as he always is every time we visit his mom’s place, was also stuck at playing his game. And there I was playing, too, with the harumika mannequins, dressing them up in any ways I could come up with. It was fun! I thought I loved every design I pulled off, so I grabbed M’s camera and took shots of them all. Even more fun! ๐Ÿ™‚

Here, let me show you! *Click on the sampler photo.*

This photo is linked to my other website, which is a fashion designing website I call DewBerry Fashion Collection. In case you want to check out some of my designs, please feel free to visit. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s Harumika Playtime!

From A Grateful Soul

Because really, there are pretty lots of reasons to feel truly thankful for. ๐Ÿ™‚

So I thank God for this peace – like a stubborn weed insisting its growth in every chance it finds – this peace between our differences, this peace in our fears, this peace that lulls our angry reasons, this peace that tends to this love He Himself has planted.

So I thank God for paving the roads that led us to each other, for letting us find home in each other’s lives, for giving us one huge reason to stretch smiles on our faces everyday.

So I thank God, and everyday I will, for loving us despite ourselves. For loving us.

From A Grateful Soul