Ten Years Later

I hate the thought of having to feel weird about coming home. I have here in my flat a pair of luggage, a box, and a backpack; and it’s strange to see them all ready for my flight in the next ten days. I’m half excited, half anxious because this time, it’s gonna be “for real” and I’m bringing with me ten years of my life back home. It’s not as if I’ve been living in the other hemisphere – not even out of the country – but I’d love to exaggerate things a bit, so I will.

When I left home for university ten years ago, I had a grandiose plan. I brought with me some big dreams. I’d be this, I’d be that. And I dreamed and daydreamed of them at every chance I had. I did imagine gathering flattering titles and then landing on a really nice job in the metropolis, where I’d have to always put on corporate clothes and talk big things with big people. Sooner, I’d be rich. I was ambitious. In fact, very ambitious and it was a good thing, except that life, surprisingly or not, didn’t go as planned.

I thought…I thought…I thought of so many things…of a different kind of life – one that’s different from what’s coming home with me. 

Ten years later, what have I become?

Precisely not how I imagined it. I look at myself in the mirror and I am ordinary and life’s definitely far from grand. No titles garnered, no flattering awards, no overwhelming place that I personally own, no car, no hacker-friendly bank accounts. Oh, and not yet married, got no kids! But I managed to work for a company though small was award-winning, and where I had to look business-y when talking big things with big guys. It somehow made me richer – at least a bit richer than when I was just imagining life after school. That’s basically the story.

When I think of all those years and chances gone, it’s only failure after failure I could see. Errors, I’m made of errors. The beautiful token expected of a ten-year story turned into a rusty trophy made of brittle pieces. Many times I asked myself, “What have I done?”

Then I see my bags and boxes all packed with my story of ten years away from home. “Who have I become?” I smile a pretty one because there are so many things to be truly grateful for. I had my plans but God had a story to tell.

My purpose for leaving home was university but life took me to a maze full of right and wrong turns. I made it a point to be always different but I found joy in sisterhood, friendship, and belongingness. I prayed so hard that life be grand but I bumped into its simplicity and I felt the bliss.

I was wrong to believe that this decade-long adventure was all about beating expectations and chasing dreams. Nobody told me I was to live a story to make me understand who I am, accept what I am not, and be grateful for all that there is.

Thank God. It’s been lovely. Now, fly me home.

Love,
Ayna

 

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Ten Years Later

My Goddamn Job Is A Damn Good Gift from God

Of 24 hours, how much do you spend thinking, worrying, daydreaming, and ranting over your unrelentingly stressful job? Your office period is a given, minus the 30 minutes you spend on YouTube, some two to three hours stalking and chatting on Facebook and Twitter, and like an hour or two “google-ing” for the latest cool gadget by Apple and Samsung or for the difference between cold perm and digital perm, yada-ya-DUH. And of course, minus the time you’re DEEPLY (yes, I have to say that) sleeping.

It must be that life-sucker kind of job that most of us are unwillingly trying to get through with day by day…or night by night. Really, how long does it take you to pull your butt off your messy-but-irresistibly-caring bed; and to the shower? As for me, at least these days, one hour! LOL. Like today, I would’ve missed the entire morning and wasted it to tardiness had my brother not bothered waking me up.

You open your eyes. Work. You get up. Work. Oh, and before that, perhaps you were dreaming of your To-Dos. Take a shower. To-Dos. Pick your outfit. To-Dos. Eat breakfast. To-Dos. Dab some lip tint. To-Dos. Wait for a bus. To-Dos. Then you mentally talk yourself through the traffic about your To-Dooosss. Priority 1. Priority 2, 3…….*toooooot*…….4, 5. You take the elevator. Deadlines. You open the door to your office. Deadlines. Boot up your computer. Deadlines. And then you open your email inbox……..(Brain NOT Responding).

At the end of the day, you log off three hours past your regular timeout. So you take the elevator down with puffy eyebags. To-Dos. You wait for the bus. Pending items. You ride the bus. Hate mails from your boss. You take the shower. Crappy outputs.

AGbyVSThen you pray. I do! 🙂 And in my prayers, I always thank God for entrusting the job to me. It’s hard, so damn hard, that goes without saying. But then again, I am learning a lot and that alone is one huge scoop of some perks. I thank God for making me get through the love-hate affair of every day, and through an inbox that I would’ve wished to empty right at first sight. And for everything else because I believe that each and every day always has some goodness and some sane humanity in it.

I thank God. I thank God again and again. I thank God. I thank…work. I thank…To-Dos. I thank…priorities 1, 2, 3. I thank pending items, deadlines, crap…….WHAAAATTT??? Okay, I have to sleep, my brain cells are friggin’ groggy. Goodnight God, my resting brain shall drift away………..WITH TO-DOS BLEEDING IN THAT JOYFUL COLOR CALLED “RED”.

LOL, What did Captain Barbossa (Pirates of the Caribbean) say? “Sleep when you die.” So, sail on, folks! 🙂

My Goddamn Job Is A Damn Good Gift from God