Dreams under renovation

I had the answers back in kindergarten…but they were neither right nor wrong.

It doesn’t matter where I am: under my blanket, in the shower, aboard the metropolis train, walking to my office, guiltlessly devouring nutella sandwich at our lone table at home, or out somewhere a space only I knew of. My kindergarten teacher’s question would haunt me like a creepy mischievous shadow, “When you grow up, what would you want to be?” And in like a snap, I’d see an imaginary canvass, white and clean. Empty.

I had the answers when I was a kid – a pocketful of confident answers. And I must have told my teacher of them with a wide grin unveiling my carefree broken smile. Now that I’m a grownup, I would usually catch myself in chunks of introspection and retrospection, and how the thoughts weave themselves together often throws me a full-blown smack kicking me out from my own life. Mind-boggling realizations, often irritating, but a fairly good way to kill time.

At this point in my life, where [perhaps] I’m supposed to have already figured what I would want to do for the next half a century, I’m only finding myself stuck with a fair display of options, not with a headstrong decision. Admittedly, I would want to become all of my many options: a fashion designer, a wedding planner, a businesswoman, a novelist, a marketing director, a professor, a performer, an actress (kidding), a photographer, a surfing champ, a painter, a diva, an all-genre dancer, an interior designer, a genius and all other versions I’ve imagined of myself. But fine – there’s no way I can be everybody, that’s absolutely and regretfully understood.

I recall the main point of Dr. Meg Jay’s book, The Defining Decade. It implies that the twentysomething stage is so crucial in the sense that the decisions one makes at this twentysomething period are what would stir up all the succeeding decades of one’s life. It may not apply to everyone but it makes sense, doesn’t it? Reading that book added a lot of pressure to my self-evaluation. In fact, it got pretty scary I wanted to shred the pages to stick-thin strips and burn them all to ashes without a chance for revival. Scary because if my kindergarten teacher would come asking me again, “When you grow up, what would you want to be?”, I would only see myself laying down the cards – my many options for my future (which has now arrived as the present); one card representing each of my dream figure – and I’d stop there. “I don’t know.” Bad news is I’m most likely just a few days away to my future. Maybe even too late to figure my shit out.

Such an anxiety-infected circumstance ain’t new but is rather ironic coming from someone adored for being smart, gifted, multi-talented. That’s the picture (with no intentions to brag, just a little bit) and perhaps the problem of indecision rooted from the burden of having multiple choices. I recall an artist mom mentioned that to me and I also recall agreeing to it right then and there. My family, friends, workmates and my boss recognize my skills and it does flatter me to know so. How could I not feel grand about being praised, sometimes even overly? My heart would swell up, but true as well that the praises would oftentimes make me lose my breath – and palpitate. Maybe it’s just me, but they often come in as overwhelming I could barely handle. Then that would set me off questioning myself again, “So which one do I do best?”…”I don’t know.” But I honestly want to do all. But knowing that I just can’t, there is then the fear of missing out on all the others in favor of one. Or two.

Then there were Aristotle, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Einstein, name the all-time geniuses. They were all over the early society, each of them an authority in almost all disciplines, the renowned in every profession. They were everybody that they wanted to be. Nah, never mind, my argument would surely come invalid though. Apparently, I’m no genius, end of story (and that’s f$@#-all-geniuses frustrating!). 😀

Now, after many times of skimming through my brain lobes, nodes and membrane – I actually just mean my thoughts – I realize I have been looking only at my dreams with the challenges prerequisite to them, but not at every possibility that could unfold like a red carpet that would lead me to my glory days. Because honestly, I doubt my own gifts. And I bow down to my fears, which is equally the same as poisoning my enthusiasm for my dreams. Of course I know all that. I apparently, have this mistaken love for my own fears.

Tomorrow I still won’t have it all figured out. But the thing I’m quite sure of is that I don’t need a time machine to go back to kindergarten and collect the answers I once had. No, that little kid didn’t know much, not even enough. Perhaps a few more twists and turns, then I’ll get myself an answer as to who I would want to be for the most part of my life.

It’s a whole new world I’m in now, totally different from my playfully colorful kindergarten. And it looks like I’m going to need a whole new set of answers.

Wish me well, folks! 🙂
Love, Ayna

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Dreams under renovation

A Year To Myself

February last year, I became single after ending an 11-month long relationship, which was beautiful enough to last for a time but not forever. And funnily as if there wasn’t any better time, on that perfect lovely day when exclusively (or not) dating young men and ladies, boyfriends and girlfriends, engaged and married couples, and all other kinds of lovers were celebrating their love – February 14, 2013 – I declared to all my systems from my split ends to the callouses on my toes that at least for one year, I will have no other lover than myself. That was a deal.

And I made it to a year all to myself.

During little gatherings with friends or side chats with officemates, a usual question would make its way to the conversation, “Don’t you miss dating someone?” Damn it, of course I do. I miss that feeling, you know what I’m talking about.

But the question, though tempting and strongly suggestive, also appeared to challenge me as to how far I can go with the deal. And I’m glad I managed to keep myself at pace.

Through this period, albeit relatively short, I believe I’ve come to understand a lot about loving myself and the lessons keep coming.

1. Love yourself and love it more each and every day. Because it is wise to realize that if in case no one else will be there to love you, you have your very own self who will never leave you come what may.

2. Those who leave are not meant to stay. So please don’t allot an eternity to mourn over a breakup. You don’t have forever to fool around a drama not worth crying for. Always be ready to get your shit together and love again, with a little bit more caution than before.

3. If you love yourself, you become a sturdy foundation of a lasting relationship. Otherwise, your lack of confidence, trust, and respect for yourself might even cause your partner to question him/herself how s/he did even come to like you.

I know it sounds like I recommend staying single. Well, up to you. We all have our own preferences in life. Go figure it out. 😉

Love,
Ayna

A Year To Myself

Planning Out A Few Firsts

I don’t quite understand how I should feel for 2014. YET. Because it’s going to be the year of the great Quarter Life Crisis…for me, and of course for those my age, particularly those who will be experiencing QLC on time like poor me here. I’m expecting much of driving-myself-crazy and troubling my friends with emotions I couldn’t possibly contain, oftentimes uncontrolled stress eating and then feeling stupid for having eaten too much, crying quiet and out loud, decisions, decisions.

I’ve felt QLC even when 2013 was yet ending and I found myself looking kind of stupid staring blankly somewhere. And then I had to realize as well that I was looking like I’m in deep thoughts, like deciding whether to pursue a crime or planning out how to end the year in a way nobody could have imagined. This is a weird world, haha!

So…so…so before more of this QLC take me to I-Wonder-Land, I thought I should list down a few things I wish to do for the first time. 🙂 Down there.

1. Spend a weekend in a local island “alone.” Of course, I wish for some me-time. I’m a believer of solitude and that we need it from time to time. Nothing much, but to simply enjoy the comfort of being alone, the quiet, the space and everything in it – fresh air, bird songs, sea breeze perhaps, the greenery, and all that. Simple precious bliss of that kind.

2. Go out of the country “alone”. I’m not a loner, let me clarify that. But I believe those people who testify that traveling alone could reveal to you unbelievably many wonders about the world, the humanity, and one’s self. I want that experience. Badly enough. I could imagine myself somewhat lost in an unfamiliar place, figuring out where to go with the help of a handy-dandy map, smiling or nodding or “hello-ing” at strangers I’d find weird and amazing. I’d taste the local street food, visit public hubs and get a feel of how it is to belong to their community. I’d buy a few knick knacks as souvenirs, click here and there, just take photos of this and that. Make friends! Ohhh, make new friends, and see for myself how I would handle the strangeness of being suddenly friends with strangers. Lovely! 🙂

3. Mold a ceramic. I’ve watched fairly several movies and series with scenes where characters are making pots and vases. I remember one movie played by Demi Moore and a co-actor with a slightly intimate scene while doing pottery. Ghost? Or some title like that. Anyway, I want to experience the process of making something beautiful like ceramic vases. I love vases, that’s one. Because I love flowers and I love flowers in vases perched somewhere by the window or wherever the bloomers could bathe under the sunlight passing through doors and windows. I thought I envy the experience of your own hands’ grace shaping something out of mud, which has to turn out as something pretty. There’s one province just outside a border of the metro, which as I’ve heard is home to makers of ceramics. I don’t have to do this one alone. I could go with my sister and my brothers, mom and dad, if they’re here in the north by that time. I wish to learn it with my family, from where I got these bits and pieces of creativity. 🙂

So, good wishes to me and may I be able to add some more along the way so that by the end of this hopefully wonderful year, I will have been so done with my dear quarter life crisis.

Wishin’ you all the best,
Ayna

Planning Out A Few Firsts

My Birthday Wishlist

Yo ho, it’s time for another wishlist! I got here a few stuff, which I’d love to name, in hopes that at least two of my friends, and I mean my brother and my sister, would see this list…and you know what should happen next. 😀

1. A quality set of colored pencils. I miss killing time with some hobbies, honestly.

2. A thick sketch pad. No more pages to draw on. Pity.

3. Lots of white and silver paint. I believe that every now and then I will find something good to paint white or silver. Can be a broken toy, an old ladle or something.

4. Half-dozen pairs of pants. Other than the two most probable reasons why I don’t have a lot of pants (a. I didn’t have time to shop when I had the money / b. I didn’t have money when I had time to shop), I’m not sure, too, why I don’t have at least enough pants.

Or yeah, maybe because I’ve cut most of them more than halfway through the length. I have a good number of shorts. 😀

5. A lovely scarf. Always a gift I wish for!

6. Time. *Now wishing for the impossible.* Someone please buy me at least half a year more because I’m so damn not ready for thiiiiiiiisss, hohoho!

But then, it’s TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK. In 18 minutes, it’s gonna be my <insert figure here>th Birthdaaaayyyy! Waaaaaaaahhh…

To God, my God, please bless this day.

Inshallah.

My Birthday Wishlist

My pocket is empTEA

Oriental medicine, Science, and all of the Tea community agree to the lengthy list of health benefits derived from tea. But admittedly, I wouldn’t have grown a love for tea if not for milktea, the yummier variation. Iced milktea? Hah, one medium to large glass, with 25 to 30 percent sugar level, should save my day from all shits. And there goes one of my all-time guilty pleasures!

Me: Milktea is my Rescue 9-1-1. It’s like miktea a day keeps the friggin’ stress away!2013-02-24 17.43.45

Pocket: Non-debatable, I would have to agree with respect to all the hearsay coming around, and even if it would take my lifetime to wish for a taste of that thing. But milktea’s health benefits are actually cut off somewhere.

Me: But it’s “instantly” refreshing, yeah? I-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y. And I mean, apart from its incredibly long list of health benefits. I suppose you understand how it feels to be pinned down on your work station the whole damn day, and then you start longing for something really refreshing….

Pocket: Like a darn chilled fruit shake that gives you a very sudden brain freeze?

Me: No, not brain freeze. You don’t understand. It’s just that good sensation when your brains get a bit ticklish, not frozen.

Pocket: Yeah? Because whenever I hear you say, “One large wintermelon, please, 25 percent sugar,” I swear Babe, I cringe and freeze.

Me: Like you…cringe and freeze?

Pocket: Damn yeah, so milktea’s not healthy for me, y’ know? ‘Cause your milktea time always means you pulling out my innards, and that’s brutal. You dig into me and take my parts and return a few flattened round materials. And they’re HEAVY. And NOISY. And…and…and I DON’T LIKE THEM!!!

Me: Hey, you talk too much, you’re stressing me out big time! In the first place, are you supposed to be talking? You’re just a pocket! A talking pocket now, and YOU’RE SCARING THE HELL OUT OF ME!

Pocket: Uh oh, bad move….

Me: I’m going down. I need ONE LARGE WINTERMELON MILKTEA, 25% SUGAR.

At the end of the day…

Me: Goodness not so gracious! My pocket is empty…again.

Pocket: I am empTEA.

😀

Enjoy your tea sessions, people!

Loving you to infiniTEA, Ayna 😉

My pocket is empTEA

My Vanity Purse Tells Me I’m Not Girl Enough

It bothered me. I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed when I came across a friend’s post with a photograph of what’s inside her vanity purse – that bag bulging with for-girls-only stuff.

So this friend has a “MAC Lippie in Chatterbox, Revlon Colorstay in Muse, The Face Shop Power Perfection Bb Cream, L’oreal Hope Eyeshadow Quad, Maybelline Great Lash Mascara, Covergirl Trublend Bronzer, Mary Kay Timewise Powder Foundation, Old Navy Lip Gloss, and an Avon Liquid Liner.”

I was like…?????? Sure I know lip gloss, liquid liner, cream, and the other familiar girl things. But that was the first time I heard of bronzer, colorstay; and what’s a Bb cream? And what do they mean by “power perfection”? Sounds impressive though, like the product can turn you into a goddess whatsoever, or a Galadriel (Cate Blanchett, The Lord of the Rings).

Out of some pesky curiosity of why I don’t have those girl stuff, and in the very first place, why they seem new to me, I took out my own purse to see what have I got for my “lady-hood.”

AY_05So I got myself:

  • a spray hand sanitizer
  • a gel hand sanitizer
  • a lip balm
  • a kiddie toothbrush
  • a tiny toothpaste
  • [something like] a hair twiner
  • a lip gloss
  • a pair of tweezers
  • a dental floss
  • a face mirror
  • a hair tie

Then, I wondered if I’m being girl enough. My vanity purse sure lacks the sense of “lady-hood” it’s supposed to possess, but thanks a lot anyway to that knickknack on top of the bag itself. It’s so South Korea, thanks to my previous boss! 🙂

But then I realized (so there’s the cliche, hahaha), makeup is not really my thing, and I mean, not at all. I don’t want them, first of all. Of course, I tried keeping and using some, but they barely held my attention. I do adore dolled up faces because they really are beautiful…oftentimes, stunning! But me sparing at least a quarter of an hour for makeup? Never mind. I better water my lonely euphorbia, Bella, and make coffee and slice some cheese, or take a few photos of my table’s centerpiece.

But then again, am I girl enough? Because my vanity purse tells me I’m not, but I want to tell it, “Let’s not burden ourselves with what we don’t want. Be happy with what you carry for me, because they are what I want, and you make sense to me.” 😀

Sunday good vibes with Love, Ayna 😉

My Vanity Purse Tells Me I’m Not Girl Enough

My Summer I-Really-Wish List

AGbyVS21. SURFING BOARD. I’ve always loved the beach and everything about it – naturally beautiful from sunrise to sundown. More often than not, I enjoy watching people skimboarding – trying and trying really hard not to stumble off their boards and *BLAAGGG*!!! Skadoosh. I laugh because admittedly “the moment of fall” is usually funny…so I laugh. Uhm, yes, boisterously, HAHAHA! (No mean intentions) 🙂

I envy them, too. I’ve also always dreamed of becoming a surfing pro. Seriously? Seriously. Someone might say, “That.is.SO.NOT.you.” Of course, but I’m serious anyway. I drool over movies about surfing while imagining myself the surfing champ in the story. You know Blue Crush? Good Lord, I envy Dana and the other female surfing pros. They’re great, they’re amazing, and of course, the stunt people if there were any.

I wish I know how to surf. I really wish, so I could just play with waves big time.

2. CELLO. Summer music? What crosses my mind first is reggae of Uncle Bob. Then party songs, line dance music, countryside beat. But I want music from the cello. Ye~ah, it’s low-toned, a bit lonely and boring, but to me it sounds exactly like…music. Familiar with Steven Sharp Nelson of The Piano Guys? He’s exceptional at playing the cello and yes, I’m a fan!

I wish I know how to play the cello. I really wish, so I could just play the kind of music I love.

3. OFFICE DESK ON THE BEACH. Who wouldn’t want that? If only I could drag my desk to the shore, I wouldn’t mind rendering OTs. Moon bathing is just as lovely!

I really wish, so I could somehow play while working.

4. MOTORBIKE. I tried, I swear I tried learning how to maneuver a motorbike but it was either I couldn’t make a right turn or I drove straight into the ditch! But if only I know how to, I would’ve driven down the countryside, escape the city to somewhere where I could breathe in real air and wouldn’t have to sneeze it back out. I would’ve packed for myself a good snack, which I would slowly munch at a layby while taking in the offers of the rustic side of the world.

I wish I know how to drive. I really wish, so I could just play with the bike, with my balance, with the road, and with each lovely passing sight.

5. JARVIS. Right, Iron Man. If I have my own Just-ARather-Very-Intelligent-System, I would have something slash someone to do the hassle for me.

I really wish, so I could just play lazy, LOL!

BUT matter-of-factly, I’m merely wishing upon the summer skies. It’s fine, I’m not really on a crazy chase for these things, but at least I’ve thought of some things to wish for. It’s fun! For now, I’m just gonna play all I can, the way I can.

Wishing you love this summer, Ayna 🙂

My Summer I-Really-Wish List